Music genius and saviour of the magazine world Peaches Geldof has caught Tiger Wooditis symptoms include; Drug fuelled sex binges, kind of denials, broke ass ho making some cash off you and Endorsement deal dropping. Peaches who up until today had a sure fire way of paying her dealer bills with a cheque from underwear line Miss Ultimo. However since heroin addicts dont seem to spend that much cash on underwear...go figure?! & Miss Ultimos target audience is women aged 18-25 they smacked Peaches bank account harder than Elin did Tiger. But its not all sad news as the staff in Debenham stores everywhere rejoyced at not having to look at Peaches wonk eyed face anymore
I can only but apologise for my lack of recent updates, let put this down to a slow news weekend and not the fact Peaches Geldof called over for some opiumtea. Anyway lets the week as we mean to go on, with the mellow cheery mood. Zoey Deschanel you know Summer from 500 Days of, and her mate M.Ward are back with the second album from their band She and Him titled Volume 2. While the creative juices clearly werent flowing at the naming of meeting dont let this stop you from giving you ear holes a treat on this miserable Monday. She and Him sounds like the 60s meets your Grans Sunday wardrobe and this can only be a good thing! So get Culturally Illiterate and download it here and check out Zoey in the first Video from the album
The delicate flower that is Peaches Geldof is in the middle of her own sex scandal which can mean one thing, she wants a reality show on E! While Peaches was recording her first album in LA (just take a deep breath and let that slide) she found someone sleeping on her couch, convinced him to drive around at 4am find some needles, use up her leftover heroin and give her VaJewJew(copyright Amy Winehouse)a good servicing- standard tuesday in a geldof house! But when this poor guy woke up with what we'll just call a killer hangover and what he thought was a serious case of the cheese dreams, he was sweating, in a sauna, in a speedo in a Scientology centre, with Tom Cruise beside him(that last part may not be true) Peaches future reference a good heroin fuelled one night stand leaves a Xanax,a bucket and well just leaves!
In a bid to promote proper dinner conversation & make sure women everywhere talk about how healthy their vagina's are Amy Winehouse, has teamed who with the makers of Mooncup- if you don't know what that is be thankful, VERY THANKFUL! To make sure these efforts are heard & to put your mind at ease, mooncup asked Amy what she calls her snatch and the answer VaJew-Jew obviously, i hope that shits circumcised! In case your feeling a bit on the adventurous side or you enjoy a good vagisil ad get Culturally Illiterate and find out how the MoonCup works now
Glee has been on hiatus for what seems like an eternity and although the soundtrack has been all over the radio like Jennifer Aniston circling the lonely hearts column, it just doesn't have the same impact without some snarling comments from my main squeeze and soon to be cougar Momma Sue Sylvester. Fox have realised this and released two brand new trailers focusing on how Sue"Cs" the sneaky gays of today and some power ballads to keep your shower singalong happy. So get Culturally Illiterate and let the countdown begin
Every manicurists worse nightmare and soon to be every ladies new speed dial drunk fuck has just been discovered in China, leap step forward 6year old Xion Lee. With 14 fingers and 16 toes this little fellow has the people at Clark shoes jumping with glee! Bur some haters in Asian are trying to rain on Xions parade and want to operate on whats clearly gonna be his big money earner, i see comic books, movies & t-shirts in the not so distant future
Lindsay Lohan the patron saint of Indian Orphans to you and me, has decided to take her fashion career(lets just pretend) the same way as her acting. That is to say say shes gone from creative director at Ungaro to the douche bags official calling card Ed Hardy. This is the I Know Who Killed Me to her Mean Girls Full Disclosure needed; Ive watched I Know Killed Me 3times and suggest you do the same, its the Showgirls of our generation. If your wondering what this means for Ed Hardy lets get Cultural Illiterate and have a look at how she graced Fornarinas last ad campaign Directed by Anna Wintour(not really)
Sad but true Culturally Illiterate readers, our poor Williamsburg Glitterati are claiming food stamps. But don't you dare insinuate their using it to buy processed, pre-packaged sugary goodness, Bite your 80s power ballad singing tongue! Our poor young Urbanities- sorry I cant even with that phrase! are buying Perrier (recyclable) water, Soy meat alternatives & organic asparagus OBV! Since the "R" word hit & people stopped spending like Kerry Katona on child benefit day our Art College graduates with a major in recycled plastic cow installations, just cant make bank anymore, sad. While part of me wants to commend our acid wash denim loving friends for proving you dont have to eat like Gabourey Sidibe in Precious or at home, I cant help but feel this is the latest attempt at faux plastic rim glasses, moustache tattoo wearing irony.
So this weeks album of the week was an extremely tough call. After a few weeks of releases that could make you excited for Hilary Swank lookalike Joe McElderarys album. 3Great ones come along at once and ive decided that with the Sun in the sky the best way to celebrate is with the most upbeat of our trio Goldfrapps Head First pure electro pop perfection. This is earhole porn of the hardest level and requires you to lock the door, & do things in your bedroom you wouldnt want anyone to see... no just me?! Get Culturally Illiterate and download it NOW
So cracked out Kerry is no more...yeah I dont want/cant believe it either. Our Lady Special K is on the Britney diet, you know the one where they ban sex and drugs(allegedly)from your life. Kerrys new manager Claire has serious balls not only is she willing to come between a junkie and her addiction but she'll test Kerrys bought urine sample every week to make sure shes staying away from the good stuff! Oh and if your wondering how Special K spent her new found wealth again, well she was clearly sensible and bought a new BMW X5. Kerry has inteligence not wasting her money on savings accounts & investments they are for stupid people!
But let us not be too hasty to forget the Kerry of yesteryear & get Culturally Illiterate now
The casting for the new Pirates of the Caribbean:On Stranger Tides (no its not being directed by Tim Burton.) Has put the Kibosh on Fake boobs of any kind. The house of mouse sent out this casting call
"beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants."
Now I have a feeling Mickey is playing a filthy trick on us all because Ive always suspected Minnie grew right out of stuffing her bra and right into the arms of DR.90210. Penelope Cruz has just been cast and you know subsection 4 of her contract stipulates loverBest friend and gigantic Bosom owner Salma Hayak needs work. There are glamorous strippers up and down West Hollywood who would be perfect for these parts I mean they probably already have the diseases of the era Scurvy, Syph, Meth face.
Keeping with Mother of the year news Angelina Jolie's icon and arch nemesis,no not Jennifer Aniston, OctoMom, is on the verge of having her child prison repossessed. The human popcorn machine owes nearly $450,000 to the bank. And while yes this is sad whats sadder is the fact the Octomom is gonna use this as an excuse to try become the new Kate Gosselin...THE AUDACITY!
So if your moms been throwing you shade eye over your mess, gone on strike or just hit the bottle. Get Culturally Illiterate and find love, comfort and solace in the arms of this beauty.
Put your worries of global warming to bed for the night because FINALLY our environment has a saviour. Step forward Eco-Warrior and mother of the year Dina Lohan- Who will finally share her coke knowledge with the world. Turns out Dina is Captain Planets biggest fan & while you thought Dina was wasting her days nursing orphans & feeding the homeless, shes been busy. Busy creating the worlds greatest product you never needed, The Green Lohan Brush & much like her kids it doesnt require water. So Culturally Illiterate readers if find yourself giving to cancer charities or trying to cure AIDS stop think twice & remember there are cocaine addicts everywhere who need your help!
After reading that headline your probably thinking I've lost my mind, because if you cant called someone who uses a Dolla sign instead of an "S" that magical word who can you!? Well try telling that to Channel 4 who told Miquita Oliver not to bother setting her alarm clock for the next while because she did just that. Miquita was forced to sit down and interview Kesha at the NME awards(shes really alternative if you haven't received the memo) Well after 5minutes of being stuck beside someone who wants you to believe they just crawled out of a dumpster after a sex coma. Miquita was overheard giving Ke$sha a compliment and Fearne Cotton her bosses told her to stay home & catch up on Bargain Hunt. Moral of the story Culturally Illiterate readers don't try to be nice!
This week marriage decided to take a bit of vacation. First Kate Winslet found out Revolutionary Road wasn't so much a work of fiction but Sam Mendes way of telling Kate hes sick and damn tired of drawing her non photo shopped physique in nothing but the jewel of the ocean. Hell even the local playground pervert is sick of seeing Kates boobs. While I understand Sam's decision I cannot even begin to comprehend where Jesse James' head is at. In this current Economic climate who plays havoc with their bank managers blood pressure by ditching a Black American express owner & everyones dream lunch date Sandra Bullock(tuna salad on rye) for this coupon cutting beauty Michelle McGee,actual name! I honestly think Tiger Woods would take his ambien fueled steam train and drive right on by McGee.
So if you find yourself considering a love lock down of your private play area i urge you to think twice and ask queen of divorce marriage Elizabeth Taylor what she thinks, never have truer or more eloquent words flowed!
Nick Walkers latest addition to the Parisian Streets proved 2 things; 1.Banksy isn't the only decent aerosol sniffing graffiti artist out there & 2.The Babes of the Burka Calendar is gonna be Seksi!
In case you hadnt realised RuPaul look a like and Queen of the split personality disorder, Beyonce is rich much richer than you $461 million richer! And now shes about to get even richer, after several years of forcing Solange to stand side stage with a squeegee and bucket to collect her Sasha Fierce armpit sweat shes decided to Bottle it. And you fools decided to take a big whiff buying more than 72,000 bottles of her HEAT in less than an hour @ Macys. So if your sick of your day smelling like roses or just want to find a way to make sure no one sits beside you on your way to work get Culturally Illiterate and check out Sasha in all her glory
While most of us spent the day chugging a bottle of whiskey, hugging a ginger and hoping to get close enough to some one to catch herpes. Culturally Illiterate saviour and patron saint of Starbucks Britney spent the day trying to find the right balance between her uppers, downers and KFC bucket (extra skin) because her sexytime partner and manager Abnam ghalib 2.0 Jason will no longer be bringing her frappuccino in bed- he'll still be taking a 20% cut. But don't feel to bad for BritBrit instead Get Culturally Illiterate and remind yourself of the glory days with previously on Britney
To bring you a Public Service Announcement GQ wants us to believe that men should be wearing white jeans well I'm Sorry I cannot in good conscience sit idoly by and let this happen. Mostly because its highly offensive to my viewing sockets. White denim is only acceptable in the following circumstances if your name is Fabio & your career involves standing in front of a wind machine posing for romance novels, your a current cast member of the Jersey Shore or your name is Pete Wentz in which case you've got enough problems why make it worse?! So my Culturally Illiterate friends if you find yourself with an urge to put on white denim stop, take a moment and ask yourself do you really wanna get mistaken for a Bollywood movie extra?!
Its a sad day here at Culturally Illiterate one of my top 5 miniature toy soldiers PingPing the worlds the smallest man above actual size (not really!) has passed away! PingPing threw on his stilts, hopped on that stair master to sky and waved goodbye to bitches at Guinness who kept trying to steal his title as the littlest big man in the world. But as we know when one nugget gets his cherub wings another gets to use his Asian style dingaling...
Turns out Chuy the little nugget who keeps Chelsea Latelys Pikachu in prime working order. Has not only been getting his but playa getting paid! Chuy is King of The Lollipop Guild porn industry! Chuy I salute you! be proud, stand tall (no pun intended) & enjoy the fact your getting paid to have fun times with adult sized Pikachus!
If your wondering my other favourite nuggets are Bashful(forever number1), Danny Devito, Lady Gagas Penis. Just incase you havent had enough Nugget lovin for one day & lets be honest how could you?! Get Culturally Illiterate with the best Nugget Fight ive ever seen
As a fully fledged member of the Snooki appreciation society her intelligence, wit & more importantly TAN is no match for us mere mortals! OR so I thought until I let my eyeballs weep all over the CWs bargain basement scripted reality Show High Society which follows the extremely tough life of Upper East Side PR "guru" Tinsley Mortimer (think LC only slightly more mentally challenged) and featuring a gaggle of support cast geniuses including; A clepto spoilt brat, Tinsley saintly sister, someone called "Malik So Chic"?! I cant even. But the star of the show is one Jules Kirby... an antisemitic, racist, homophone who thinks it "should be ok to use the Nword" oh yeah and her dream is to work in the UN! Hey if Cheryl Cole can worm her way into our hearts why not Jules at least she wont physically punch a toilet attend. No No she hires someone that is ELEGANCE! so get Culturally Illiterate with Jules and co now! skip to 0.46 for the good stuff
So the Kirsty Alley of Britain Claire Richards is whoring herself out again this month, there just happens to be alot more to Claire then last time... But its cool because Clairebear (i say that affectionately?)is really happy about it except she isnt! But screw being happy when you can get a cover out of it right? make that several covers! the weight gain, the loss, the breakup, the makeup and the inevitable fitness dvd just like last time! I have no issue with Claire eating all the pies in the comfort of her home (in fact having watched her performance on Celeb MasterChef I think she makes a good one.) Just dont put yourself in a bikini and try to play me for a fool, if you wanna get fit or just want an excuse to throw some serious shade eye at the computer get cluturally illiterate now
Free Energy first caught my ear due to the fact LCD Soundsystems James Murphy produced it. But thats were the similarities begin and end! Their first LP "Stuck on Nothing" makes me wanna travel back to the 60s join a commune and invest all my money in buckwheat! Plus any band that can melt some backwards guitar and saxaphone together is all right with me so get Culturally Illiterate and download it now!
So my love affair with Gabourey Sidibe is really beginning to blossom. Shes one of the few larger lovelies id be willing to let raid my lunch box r at the very least share a twix bar! Not only did she seem genuinely excited to be nominated for an Oscar instead of pretending like she was just popping out to buy stamps like most of them. But my love really grew when I found out Gabby (we're tight like that) defeated my arch Nemesis forever creeepy gremlin queen Dakota Fanning in a sales war in the above cover of V magazines Size issue 3:1 proving sometimes never bigger is better! So if you think you need more of the Sidibe in your life & you do! Get Culturally Illiterate with this clip
So So Grace Jones Wannabe Rihanna's come back from That Little Incident has been some what on the lacklustre side. Even though shes still insisting on channeling her inner Edward Scissor Hands, you cant help but love "Rude Boy" - it really seems to have connected with club crowds and the TC Remix takes it to another planet with a killer drum and base drop.Endorsed by Annie Mac, I dare even the most culturally illiterate of you not to duck and weave like you've just stolen Chris Brown's last cupcake!
Being a bit of sneaker fiend with penchant for the more the ridiculous and sublime pairs out there i stumbled upon this guy has insane skills although i would happily wear any of his customs, a pair that really caught my eye were the Cookie Monster pair, They rock my world! With the Nutrition Nazis trying to keep my childhood hero Cookie monster down by relugating him to the phrase "Cookies are a sometime snack" Stand strong and represent the Culturally Illiterate!
So here it goes... After months no make that years of constantly voicing my opinions rants to friends, acquaintances & arguing with the voices in my head I felt in order to keep these relationships going I should find another outlet for my views so now we have Culturally Illiterate!
It would be easy and lets be honest far too predictable to kick this off with a video of Lady Gaga and her pseudo modern alternative pop art or whatever the hell she insists on calling it this week, instead Ive decided to pick one of the greatest minds and lyricists our world knows prepare to be overwhelmed, engrossed and immersed in a world full of glamour class and sophistication. To watch the one and only Heidi Montag is to view the Culturally Illierate in all its glory..
